the wisdom of no escape

you can’t get out now, you’ve been thrust into this wretched wonderful dimension, you are obligated to stay. it hurts and it hurts and you learn and you learn that pain is just another feeling, that suffering is the choice, that you’re making so many choices and so is everyone else. don’t choose yourself or they’ll feel scared, insecure.

you can’t get out now, they leave you behind, you watch them go. fickle friends hurl horrible chunks of vulnerability into your face like dynamite, watching them blow up to feel a little better about their own sadness, desperation. you gave them your raw pieces and they broiled you until you caught on fire, burned to ash in the bottom of an oven that used to be blue. the tears you cried for them were too hot, evaporated.

you can’t get out now, no matter how many times you try, wherever you go there you are. or whatever trite expression comes to mind, whatever reminder you need that you can never flee yourself for long, never hide from the ghost of your traumas. even in your dreams you see them, the ones that can’t see you anymore. the ones who could never see you at all.

i can’t get out now, there’s nowhere to run, every hiding spot revealed. a life of integrity and strength is my only option, the clear choice all along. without blankets and armor to protect me, i’m left with half a headstand and half a heart, wholly convinced i do not belong here, trying to insert myself kindly among these strangers.

i can’t get out now, so where am i gonna go?

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